DID YOU FORGET TO LAUGH?

   There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

    Did you guys hear the one about the couple who's been married for 60 years, who started having problems remembering things? So they go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing's wrong with em. They explain to the doctor about their problems with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells em that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down and making notes to help them remember things. Later that night while they're watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair, and his wife says, "Where are you going?" The old guy says, "To the kitchen." The wife says, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" Guy says sure. Then she says, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." And she says, "Well, I'd also like some strawberries on top. You'd better write that down, cause I know you'll forget that." The guy says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." The wife says, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I'll know you'll forget that, so you better write it down." The guy's irritated by now, and he says, "I don't need to write that down--I can remember that," and he goes into the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he comes back from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a minute and then says, "You forgot my toast."
   A man and a woman who've never met before find themselves in the same sleeping compartment of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man in the lower bunk. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and says with a glint in his eye, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married." The woman says, "Okay, why not?" And the man says, "Good. Get your own blanket."

THREE JOKES YOU WISH YOU'D TOLD

    Remember: some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill em.

    You guys hear the one about the blonde who gets a brand new sports car for her 16th birthday? While she's out driving, she cuts off a tractor-trailer. The driver motions her to pull off to the side of the road. When she pulls over, the truck pulls up behind her and the driver gets out. He takes a piece of chalk out of pocket and draws a circle around the blonde. He tells her not to step out of the circle, and then he pulls out a pocketknife, goes to her car, and cuts her leather seats all up. When he turns around, the blonde is stifling a giggle. So he says, "You think that's funny, watch what I do now." Using the knife again, he slashes all four of her tires. Now she's laughing. The driver gets really mad, goes into his truck and pulls out a bat, and smashes her windows and her car all up. The blonde starts laughing so hard she can barely stand up. Now the truck driver gets really mad, gets a gas can out of his truck and torches her car. And now the blonde is on the ground, rolling around, laughing her head off. The truck driver looks at her and says, "What's so funny?!" And the blonde says, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle four times!"

   A blonde walks into a store. She sees a shiny object, and she asks the clerk, "What is that?" Clerk says "It's a thermos." Blonde says "What does it do?" Clerk says "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." So the blonde buys one. Next day she brings it to work. Her boss, who's also a blonde, asks "What's that shiny object?" First blonde says, "It's a thermos." The boss says, "What does it do?" Blonde says "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." Boss says, "What do you have in there?" Blonde says, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

THE OLD MAN AND THE DEVIL

    A few minutes before the church services started, the
congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.     Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. 
    Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.     Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..     So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' 
    The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 
    'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 
    'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. 
   'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 
    'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even 
tone.    'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.    'Yep,' was the calm reply. 
   'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. 
   Nope,' said the old man.     More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'    The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.' 

TWO BLONDE JOKES AND A PITBULL

   So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. She shouts, "Yoohoo! How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river and then down the river, and then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.

What has four legs and one ear? Mike Tyson's pit bull.

What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker? "Hop in."

    Did you guys hear the one about the blonde who, after being unemployed for a while, gets a job with Public Works? She's to paint the lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor tells her that she's on probation and that she has to stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to stay employed. The blonde agrees to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checks at the end of the first day and finds that the blonde covered four miles--double the average. The next day, though, he's disappointed to find that the blonde has only finished TWO miles. But he figures, well, she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet. The third day, the blonde only does ONE mile, though, and the boss decides to talk to her. He pulls her in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?" And the blonde says, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."

NO PROTEST AT JONES' FUNERAL

    The Westboro Baptist Church will not be protesting the funeral of country music legend George Jones. Instead, the Westboro Baptist Church is threatening to picket the Oklahoma City Thunder playoff game in Oklahoma City. According to tweets posted to Twitter on April 30 by Margie J. Phelps, daughter of Fred Phelps and spokesperson of the Westboro Baptist Church, they will be in Oklahoma City.    The Westboro Baptist Church stated they would be at Chesapeake Energy Arena between 6 and 8 p.m. It is unknown if they will show up or not at game five of the NBA playoffs between the Oklahoma City Thunder and Houston Rockets. Many people believe that the Westboro Baptist Church makes threats to picket and protest without any actual plans to show up, trying to get media attention.
   Despite their current plans, Margie J. Phelps never mention picketing the funeral of George Jones. In the past, they have threatened to protest the public funerals of celebrities. George Jones' funeral could not be more public. It is being held at the Ryman in Nashville and is open to anyone who wants to attend.

BAR JOKES

Remember, no matter how hard you try, you can't baptize a cat.

Did you guys hear the one about the gorilla who walks into a bar and orders a cold one? The bartender gives it to him and says, "That'll be 25 dollars." Gorilla pays him, and the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts." Gorilla says, "I'm not surprised at these prices."

A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." Grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"

A hamburger walks into a bar. Bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender gives it to him. The neutron says "How much I owe you?" Bartender says "For you, no charge."

Skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop."