You Might Be A Redneck When...

Jokes By Jeff Foxworthy

1. You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk. 
2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 
3. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 
4. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. 
5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 
6. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 
7. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. 
8. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately. 
9. You've ever given rat traps as gifts. 
10. You clean your fingernails with a stick. 
11. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. 
12. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table. 
13. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 
14. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. 
15. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. 
16. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. 
17. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. 
18. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 
19. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell." 
20. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house. 
21. You've ever bought a used cap. 
22. You've ever financed a tattoo. 
23. You've ever stolen toilet paper. 
24. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. 
25. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. 
26. You prefer car keys to Q-tips. 
27. You take a fishing pole into Sea World. 
28. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup. 
29. you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves. 
30. someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. 
31. directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road." 
32. you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. 
33. you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle. 
34. Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people. 
35. your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. 
36. you see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug. 
37. you consider the fifth grade you senior year. 
38. you have a rag for a gas cap. 
39. the dog can't watch you eat without gagging. 
40. you have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be. 
41. you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill. 
42. your brother-in-law is also your uncle. 
43. Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card. 
44. you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls. 
45. your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. 
46. your other truck is made by John Deere. 
47. you think suspenders are a type of shirt. 
48. going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight. 
49. you keep a spit cup on the ironing board. 
50. you ever got too drunk to fish.

TWO MORE WHILE YOU WAIT

   Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replies. The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for? "Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're my brother – he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."   Two ministers are discussing their lives in the church, and one of them says, "I never slept with my wife until after we were married. How about you?" the second preacher thinks for a second, scratches his head, and says, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

TWO JOKES YOU'VE FORGOTTEN

   A woman tells her neighbor that her husband just had TeleFlora deliver a dozen red roses for her. "Now I suppose he'll expect me to spend the whole weekend on my back with my legs in the air."
   "What's the matter?" asked her friend. "Didn't the flowers come with a vase?"

   Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building--by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.    The 2nd Man says: "What are you, a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen." 
   1st Man: "No, it's true, let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. 
   The 2nd Man tells him: "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." 
   1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again," and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 
   2nd Man: "Wel,l what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' 
   Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real prick when you're drunk."

Q: What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a hillbilly funeral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.

Things that make you say "WHAT?"

"So when did you decide to start wearing women's underwear?"

"Well....when my wife found a pair of panties in my glove-box."

DID YOU FORGET TO LAUGH?

   There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

    Did you guys hear the one about the couple who's been married for 60 years, who started having problems remembering things? So they go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing's wrong with em. They explain to the doctor about their problems with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells em that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down and making notes to help them remember things. Later that night while they're watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair, and his wife says, "Where are you going?" The old guy says, "To the kitchen." The wife says, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" Guy says sure. Then she says, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." And she says, "Well, I'd also like some strawberries on top. You'd better write that down, cause I know you'll forget that." The guy says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." The wife says, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I'll know you'll forget that, so you better write it down." The guy's irritated by now, and he says, "I don't need to write that down--I can remember that," and he goes into the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he comes back from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a minute and then says, "You forgot my toast."
   A man and a woman who've never met before find themselves in the same sleeping compartment of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man in the lower bunk. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and says with a glint in his eye, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married." The woman says, "Okay, why not?" And the man says, "Good. Get your own blanket."

THREE JOKES YOU WISH YOU'D TOLD

    Remember: some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill em.

    You guys hear the one about the blonde who gets a brand new sports car for her 16th birthday? While she's out driving, she cuts off a tractor-trailer. The driver motions her to pull off to the side of the road. When she pulls over, the truck pulls up behind her and the driver gets out. He takes a piece of chalk out of pocket and draws a circle around the blonde. He tells her not to step out of the circle, and then he pulls out a pocketknife, goes to her car, and cuts her leather seats all up. When he turns around, the blonde is stifling a giggle. So he says, "You think that's funny, watch what I do now." Using the knife again, he slashes all four of her tires. Now she's laughing. The driver gets really mad, goes into his truck and pulls out a bat, and smashes her windows and her car all up. The blonde starts laughing so hard she can barely stand up. Now the truck driver gets really mad, gets a gas can out of his truck and torches her car. And now the blonde is on the ground, rolling around, laughing her head off. The truck driver looks at her and says, "What's so funny?!" And the blonde says, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle four times!"

   A blonde walks into a store. She sees a shiny object, and she asks the clerk, "What is that?" Clerk says "It's a thermos." Blonde says "What does it do?" Clerk says "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." So the blonde buys one. Next day she brings it to work. Her boss, who's also a blonde, asks "What's that shiny object?" First blonde says, "It's a thermos." The boss says, "What does it do?" Blonde says "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." Boss says, "What do you have in there?" Blonde says, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."