JOKES YOU WISH YOU'D TOLD

    It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're gonna steal the neighbor's car, that's the time to do it.

    Did you hear the one about the elderly couple who are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary, when the old man leans forward and says softly, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never looked quite like the rest of the children, and I must know if he has a different father." The wife drops her head and confesses, "Yes, yes he does." The old man is shaken up and with a tear in his eye, he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" The old lady finally musters up the courage to tell the truth and says, "You are the father."

    You know all about the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, "Area 51," right? Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 are surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impound the aircraft and haul the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story is that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force runs a full FBI background check on the pilot and holds him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they're finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and isn't a spy. They gas up his airplane, give him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, tell him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and send him on his way. Next day, the same Cessna shows up again. Once again, the MP's surround the plane, only this time there are TWO people in it. The same pilot jumps out and says, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane, and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

   The other night I was gazing at the brilliant full moon -- the same one, I imagined to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they have appeared beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements, and I show him the periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp in wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

Charlene

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Your website is a sheer delight
Your words of wisdom light the night
I love the ads that twinkle so serene.
Every time I fire you up
Your thoughts are coffee in my cup
I want to be just like you, Charlene.

I dream about your website, dear,
In my sleep your voice I hear--
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It's hard for me to understand
How ninety-nine dollars in my hand
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By day you work at the truck stop
serving folks their soda pop
At night you are website star.

Thank you Charlene for your tip
It's time for me to shut my lip
and call those folks at ROI, Charlene.


Charlene, Charlene, Charlene, Charlene,
Sign me up with ROI, let's do.
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BLONDES HAVE NO FUN

   

   Did you hear the one about the brunette who goes to the doctor? She starts touching every part of her body, saying, "Doctor, it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor says, "Are you naturally a blonde?" And the girl says, "Why yes, I am. Why do you ask?" The doctor says, "Because your finger is broken."
    Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death at the drive-in theater?
They went to see "Closed for Winter."

   Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.

    Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.

    Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them."

Three Jokes from Oklahoma

    A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since he lives on a farm, his mother asks if he's done his chores. Little boy says, "Not yet." His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little annoyed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. Boy says, "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" His mother says, "Well, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning." Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and as he's walking into the kitchen, he kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

   A big shot business man has to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He's a royal pain to the nurses, bossing them around like he does his employees. None of the hospital staff wants anything to do with him, and the head nurse is the only one who can stand up to him. One day she comes into his room and says, "I have to take your temperature." Guy complains for several minutes, and then he settles down, crosses his arms and opens his mouth. The head nurse says, "I'm sorry, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This starts another round of complaining, but eventually the guy rolls over and bares his hiney. He feels the nurse insert the thermometer, and then she says, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as people walk past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the guy's doctor comes into the room and says, "What's going on here?" Guy says, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" Doctor says, "Well, no, I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation, anyway."

    You hear the one about Sven and Ole, who worked together and were both laid off? So off they go to the unemployment office. The clerk asks Ole his occupation, and Ole says, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looks up panty stitcher, and finds it classified as unskilled labor, so she gives him $300 a week unemployment pay. Clerk asks Sven his occupation. Sven says, "Diesel fitter." Clerk sees diesel fitter is a skilled job, so she gives Sven $600 a week. Ole finds out about this and is furious. He storms back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker is collecting double his pay. Clerk explains that panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor. Ole yells, "What skill? I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, 'Yep, deese'll fit her.'"

My Grandma's Sofa and the Leaky Old Ladies

    
    When I was a little girl I used to love visiting my Grandma. She used to bake the best cookies and play the nicest music on what she called her "Hi-Fi." It was such a great place to visit. Only one thing really puzzled me about her house. Every time I came over I saw that she had covered her big goldenrod brocade sofa with a kind of clear plastic. I asked my parents about it and they told me to mind my own business. Well, you know how kids are. So one afternoon I was sitting on my Grandma's sofa--this was back in the 1970s--and I decided I would ask her anyway. I said,  "Grandma, how come you keep this clear vinyl on your sofa?" 
    She gave me kind of a funny look, sort of as if she couldn't quite decide whether or not to tell me. I started to feel kind of bad for disobeying my parents. Then suddenly Grandma smiled real big and said, "I do that because I like to have company, child. Most of my friends are old ladies like me. They come over and we get to laughing about one thing and another. After a while, we old ladies can't stop laughing once we get started. Well, when you get to be our age, you like to laugh. What happens though sometimes is that some of those old gals laugh so hard they. . . well, they wet themselves. Now I like my friends, but I don't need urine on my brocade sofa, now do I?"
    I never did tell my parents what Grandma shared with me that afternoon. But I did notice that every time Grandma's friends left her house, Grandma would go into the kitchen to get a wet wash rag.