It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're gonna steal the neighbor's car, that's the time to do it.
Did you hear the one about the elderly couple who are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary, when the old man leans forward and says softly, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never looked quite like the rest of the children, and I must know if he has a different father." The wife drops her head and confesses, "Yes, yes he does." The old man is shaken up and with a tear in his eye, he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" The old lady finally musters up the courage to tell the truth and says, "You are the father."
You know all about the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, "Area 51," right? Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 are surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impound the aircraft and haul the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story is that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force runs a full FBI background check on the pilot and holds him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they're finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and isn't a spy. They gas up his airplane, give him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, tell him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and send him on his way. Next day, the same Cessna shows up again. Once again, the MP's surround the plane, only this time there are TWO people in it. The same pilot jumps out and says, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane, and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
The other night I was gazing at the brilliant full moon -- the same one, I imagined to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they have appeared beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements, and I show him the periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp in wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
Did you hear the one about the elderly couple who are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary, when the old man leans forward and says softly, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never looked quite like the rest of the children, and I must know if he has a different father." The wife drops her head and confesses, "Yes, yes he does." The old man is shaken up and with a tear in his eye, he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" The old lady finally musters up the courage to tell the truth and says, "You are the father."
You know all about the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, "Area 51," right? Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 are surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impound the aircraft and haul the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story is that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force runs a full FBI background check on the pilot and holds him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they're finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and isn't a spy. They gas up his airplane, give him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, tell him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and send him on his way. Next day, the same Cessna shows up again. Once again, the MP's surround the plane, only this time there are TWO people in it. The same pilot jumps out and says, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane, and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
The other night I was gazing at the brilliant full moon -- the same one, I imagined to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they have appeared beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements, and I show him the periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp in wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
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