Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replies. The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for? "Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're my brother – he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one." Two ministers are discussing their lives in the church, and one of them says, "I never slept with my wife until after we were married. How about you?" the second preacher thinks for a second, scratches his head, and says, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Friday, October 4, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
TWO JOKES YOU'VE FORGOTTEN
A woman tells her neighbor that her husband just had TeleFlora deliver a dozen red roses for her. "Now I suppose he'll expect me to spend the whole weekend on my back with my legs in the air."
"What's the matter?" asked her friend. "Didn't the flowers come with a vase?"
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building--by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What are you, a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No, it's true, let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again," and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Wel,l what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real prick when you're drunk."
"What's the matter?" asked her friend. "Didn't the flowers come with a vase?"
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building--by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What are you, a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No, it's true, let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again," and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Wel,l what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real prick when you're drunk."
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Things that make you say "WHAT?"
"So when did you decide to start wearing women's underwear?"
"Well....when my wife found a pair of panties in my glove-box."
"Well....when my wife found a pair of panties in my glove-box."
Friday, May 31, 2013
DID YOU FORGET TO LAUGH?
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Did you guys hear the one about the couple who's been married for 60 years, who started having problems remembering things? So they go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing's wrong with em. They explain to the doctor about their problems with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells em that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down and making notes to help them remember things. Later that night while they're watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair, and his wife says, "Where are you going?" The old guy says, "To the kitchen." The wife says, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" Guy says sure. Then she says, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." And she says, "Well, I'd also like some strawberries on top. You'd better write that down, cause I know you'll forget that." The guy says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." The wife says, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I'll know you'll forget that, so you better write it down." The guy's irritated by now, and he says, "I don't need to write that down--I can remember that," and he goes into the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he comes back from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a minute and then says, "You forgot my toast."
A man and a woman who've never met before find themselves in the same sleeping compartment of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man in the lower bunk. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and says with a glint in his eye, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married." The woman says, "Okay, why not?" And the man says, "Good. Get your own blanket."
Did you guys hear the one about the couple who's been married for 60 years, who started having problems remembering things? So they go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing's wrong with em. They explain to the doctor about their problems with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells em that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down and making notes to help them remember things. Later that night while they're watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair, and his wife says, "Where are you going?" The old guy says, "To the kitchen." The wife says, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" Guy says sure. Then she says, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." And she says, "Well, I'd also like some strawberries on top. You'd better write that down, cause I know you'll forget that." The guy says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." The wife says, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I'll know you'll forget that, so you better write it down." The guy's irritated by now, and he says, "I don't need to write that down--I can remember that," and he goes into the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he comes back from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a minute and then says, "You forgot my toast."
A man and a woman who've never met before find themselves in the same sleeping compartment of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man in the lower bunk. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and says with a glint in his eye, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married." The woman says, "Okay, why not?" And the man says, "Good. Get your own blanket."
Monday, May 20, 2013
THREE JOKES YOU WISH YOU'D TOLD
Remember: some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill em.
You guys hear the one about the blonde who gets a brand new sports car for her 16th birthday? While she's out driving, she cuts off a tractor-trailer. The driver motions her to pull off to the side of the road. When she pulls over, the truck pulls up behind her and the driver gets out. He takes a piece of chalk out of pocket and draws a circle around the blonde. He tells her not to step out of the circle, and then he pulls out a pocketknife, goes to her car, and cuts her leather seats all up. When he turns around, the blonde is stifling a giggle. So he says, "You think that's funny, watch what I do now." Using the knife again, he slashes all four of her tires. Now she's laughing. The driver gets really mad, goes into his truck and pulls out a bat, and smashes her windows and her car all up. The blonde starts laughing so hard she can barely stand up. Now the truck driver gets really mad, gets a gas can out of his truck and torches her car. And now the blonde is on the ground, rolling around, laughing her head off. The truck driver looks at her and says, "What's so funny?!" And the blonde says, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle four times!"
A blonde walks into a store. She sees a shiny object, and she asks the clerk, "What is that?" Clerk says "It's a thermos." Blonde says "What does it do?" Clerk says "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." So the blonde buys one. Next day she brings it to work. Her boss, who's also a blonde, asks "What's that shiny object?" First blonde says, "It's a thermos." The boss says, "What does it do?" Blonde says "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." Boss says, "What do you have in there?" Blonde says, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
You guys hear the one about the blonde who gets a brand new sports car for her 16th birthday? While she's out driving, she cuts off a tractor-trailer. The driver motions her to pull off to the side of the road. When she pulls over, the truck pulls up behind her and the driver gets out. He takes a piece of chalk out of pocket and draws a circle around the blonde. He tells her not to step out of the circle, and then he pulls out a pocketknife, goes to her car, and cuts her leather seats all up. When he turns around, the blonde is stifling a giggle. So he says, "You think that's funny, watch what I do now." Using the knife again, he slashes all four of her tires. Now she's laughing. The driver gets really mad, goes into his truck and pulls out a bat, and smashes her windows and her car all up. The blonde starts laughing so hard she can barely stand up. Now the truck driver gets really mad, gets a gas can out of his truck and torches her car. And now the blonde is on the ground, rolling around, laughing her head off. The truck driver looks at her and says, "What's so funny?!" And the blonde says, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle four times!"
A blonde walks into a store. She sees a shiny object, and she asks the clerk, "What is that?" Clerk says "It's a thermos." Blonde says "What does it do?" Clerk says "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." So the blonde buys one. Next day she brings it to work. Her boss, who's also a blonde, asks "What's that shiny object?" First blonde says, "It's a thermos." The boss says, "What does it do?" Blonde says "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." Boss says, "What do you have in there?" Blonde says, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
Thursday, May 9, 2013
THE OLD MAN AND THE DEVIL
A few minutes before the church services started, the
congregation were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even
tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
Nope,' said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
congregation were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even
tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
Nope,' said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
TWO BLONDE JOKES AND A PITBULL
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. She shouts, "Yoohoo! How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river and then down the river, and then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.
What has four legs and one ear? Mike Tyson's pit bull.
What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker? "Hop in."
Did you guys hear the one about the blonde who, after being unemployed for a while, gets a job with Public Works? She's to paint the lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor tells her that she's on probation and that she has to stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to stay employed. The blonde agrees to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checks at the end of the first day and finds that the blonde covered four miles--double the average. The next day, though, he's disappointed to find that the blonde has only finished TWO miles. But he figures, well, she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet. The third day, the blonde only does ONE mile, though, and the boss decides to talk to her. He pulls her in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?" And the blonde says, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."
What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.
What has four legs and one ear? Mike Tyson's pit bull.
What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker? "Hop in."
Did you guys hear the one about the blonde who, after being unemployed for a while, gets a job with Public Works? She's to paint the lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor tells her that she's on probation and that she has to stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to stay employed. The blonde agrees to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checks at the end of the first day and finds that the blonde covered four miles--double the average. The next day, though, he's disappointed to find that the blonde has only finished TWO miles. But he figures, well, she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet. The third day, the blonde only does ONE mile, though, and the boss decides to talk to her. He pulls her in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?" And the blonde says, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."
Thursday, May 2, 2013
NO PROTEST AT JONES' FUNERAL
The Westboro Baptist Church will not be protesting the funeral of country music legend George Jones. Instead, the Westboro Baptist Church is threatening to picket the Oklahoma City Thunder playoff game in Oklahoma City. According to tweets posted to Twitter on April 30 by Margie J. Phelps, daughter of Fred Phelps and spokesperson of the Westboro Baptist Church, they will be in Oklahoma City. The Westboro Baptist Church stated they would be at Chesapeake Energy Arena between 6 and 8 p.m. It is unknown if they will show up or not at game five of the NBA playoffs between the Oklahoma City Thunder and Houston Rockets. Many people believe that the Westboro Baptist Church makes threats to picket and protest without any actual plans to show up, trying to get media attention.
Despite their current plans, Margie J. Phelps never mention picketing the funeral of George Jones. In the past, they have threatened to protest the public funerals of celebrities. George Jones' funeral could not be more public. It is being held at the Ryman in Nashville and is open to anyone who wants to attend.
Despite their current plans, Margie J. Phelps never mention picketing the funeral of George Jones. In the past, they have threatened to protest the public funerals of celebrities. George Jones' funeral could not be more public. It is being held at the Ryman in Nashville and is open to anyone who wants to attend.
BAR JOKES
Remember, no matter how hard you try, you can't baptize a cat.
Did you guys hear the one about the gorilla who walks into a bar and orders a cold one? The bartender gives it to him and says, "That'll be 25 dollars." Gorilla pays him, and the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts." Gorilla says, "I'm not surprised at these prices."
Did you guys hear the one about the gorilla who walks into a bar and orders a cold one? The bartender gives it to him and says, "That'll be 25 dollars." Gorilla pays him, and the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts." Gorilla says, "I'm not surprised at these prices."
A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." Grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"
A hamburger walks into a bar. Bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender gives it to him. The neutron says "How much I owe you?" Bartender says "For you, no charge."
Skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop."
A hamburger walks into a bar. Bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender gives it to him. The neutron says "How much I owe you?" Bartender says "For you, no charge."
Skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop."
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
JOKES YOU WISH YOU'D TOLD
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're gonna steal the neighbor's car, that's the time to do it.
Did you hear the one about the elderly couple who are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary, when the old man leans forward and says softly, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never looked quite like the rest of the children, and I must know if he has a different father." The wife drops her head and confesses, "Yes, yes he does." The old man is shaken up and with a tear in his eye, he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" The old lady finally musters up the courage to tell the truth and says, "You are the father."
You know all about the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, "Area 51," right? Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 are surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impound the aircraft and haul the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story is that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force runs a full FBI background check on the pilot and holds him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they're finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and isn't a spy. They gas up his airplane, give him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, tell him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and send him on his way. Next day, the same Cessna shows up again. Once again, the MP's surround the plane, only this time there are TWO people in it. The same pilot jumps out and says, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane, and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
The other night I was gazing at the brilliant full moon -- the same one, I imagined to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they have appeared beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements, and I show him the periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp in wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
Did you hear the one about the elderly couple who are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary, when the old man leans forward and says softly, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never looked quite like the rest of the children, and I must know if he has a different father." The wife drops her head and confesses, "Yes, yes he does." The old man is shaken up and with a tear in his eye, he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" The old lady finally musters up the courage to tell the truth and says, "You are the father."
You know all about the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, "Area 51," right? Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 are surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impound the aircraft and haul the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story is that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force runs a full FBI background check on the pilot and holds him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they're finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and isn't a spy. They gas up his airplane, give him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, tell him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and send him on his way. Next day, the same Cessna shows up again. Once again, the MP's surround the plane, only this time there are TWO people in it. The same pilot jumps out and says, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane, and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
The other night I was gazing at the brilliant full moon -- the same one, I imagined to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they have appeared beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements, and I show him the periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp in wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Charlene
Charlene, Charlene, Charlene, Charlene,
Sign me up with ROI, let's do.
Charlene, Charlene, Charlene, Charlene,
Sign me up, I want to be like you.
Your website is a sheer delight
Your words of wisdom light the night
I love the ads that twinkle so serene.
Every time I fire you up
Your thoughts are coffee in my cup
I want to be just like you, Charlene.
I dream about your website, dear,
In my sleep your voice I hear--
I only want to be like you, Charlene.
It's hard for me to understand
How ninety-nine dollars in my hand
Could make me famous just like you, Charlene.
Charlene, Charlene, Charlene, Charlene,
Sign me up with ROI, let's do.
Charlene, Charlene, Charlene, Charlene,
Sign me up, I want to be like you.
By day you work at the truck stop
serving folks their soda pop
At night you are website star.
Thank you Charlene for your tip
It's time for me to shut my lip
and call those folks at ROI, Charlene.
Charlene, Charlene, Charlene, Charlene,
Sign me up with ROI, let's do.
Charlene, Charlene, Charlene, Charlene,
Sign me up, I want to be like you.
Sign me up with ROI, let's do.
Charlene, Charlene, Charlene, Charlene,
Sign me up, I want to be like you.
Your website is a sheer delight
Your words of wisdom light the night
I love the ads that twinkle so serene.
Every time I fire you up
Your thoughts are coffee in my cup
I want to be just like you, Charlene.
I dream about your website, dear,
In my sleep your voice I hear--
I only want to be like you, Charlene.
It's hard for me to understand
How ninety-nine dollars in my hand
Could make me famous just like you, Charlene.
Charlene, Charlene, Charlene, Charlene,
Sign me up with ROI, let's do.
Charlene, Charlene, Charlene, Charlene,
Sign me up, I want to be like you.
By day you work at the truck stop
serving folks their soda pop
At night you are website star.
Thank you Charlene for your tip
It's time for me to shut my lip
and call those folks at ROI, Charlene.
Charlene, Charlene, Charlene, Charlene,
Sign me up with ROI, let's do.
Charlene, Charlene, Charlene, Charlene,
Sign me up, I want to be like you.
BLONDES HAVE NO FUN
Did you hear the one about the brunette who goes to the doctor? She starts touching every part of her body, saying, "Doctor, it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor says, "Are you naturally a blonde?" And the girl says, "Why yes, I am. Why do you ask?" The doctor says, "Because your finger is broken."
Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death at the drive-in theater?
They went to see "Closed for Winter."
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them."
Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death at the drive-in theater?
They went to see "Closed for Winter."
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them."
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Three Jokes from Oklahoma
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since he lives on a farm, his mother asks if he's done his chores. Little boy says, "Not yet." His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little annoyed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. Boy says, "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" His mother says, "Well, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning." Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and as he's walking into the kitchen, he kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
A big shot business man has to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He's a royal pain to the nurses, bossing them around like he does his employees. None of the hospital staff wants anything to do with him, and the head nurse is the only one who can stand up to him. One day she comes into his room and says, "I have to take your temperature." Guy complains for several minutes, and then he settles down, crosses his arms and opens his mouth. The head nurse says, "I'm sorry, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This starts another round of complaining, but eventually the guy rolls over and bares his hiney. He feels the nurse insert the thermometer, and then she says, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as people walk past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the guy's doctor comes into the room and says, "What's going on here?" Guy says, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" Doctor says, "Well, no, I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation, anyway."
You hear the one about Sven and Ole, who worked together and were both laid off? So off they go to the unemployment office. The clerk asks Ole his occupation, and Ole says, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looks up panty stitcher, and finds it classified as unskilled labor, so she gives him $300 a week unemployment pay. Clerk asks Sven his occupation. Sven says, "Diesel fitter." Clerk sees diesel fitter is a skilled job, so she gives Sven $600 a week. Ole finds out about this and is furious. He storms back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker is collecting double his pay. Clerk explains that panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor. Ole yells, "What skill? I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, 'Yep, deese'll fit her.'"
You hear the one about Sven and Ole, who worked together and were both laid off? So off they go to the unemployment office. The clerk asks Ole his occupation, and Ole says, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looks up panty stitcher, and finds it classified as unskilled labor, so she gives him $300 a week unemployment pay. Clerk asks Sven his occupation. Sven says, "Diesel fitter." Clerk sees diesel fitter is a skilled job, so she gives Sven $600 a week. Ole finds out about this and is furious. He storms back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker is collecting double his pay. Clerk explains that panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor. Ole yells, "What skill? I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, 'Yep, deese'll fit her.'"
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
My Grandma's Sofa and the Leaky Old Ladies
When I was a little girl I used to love visiting my Grandma. She used to bake the best cookies and play the nicest music on what she called her "Hi-Fi." It was such a great place to visit. Only one thing really puzzled me about her house. Every time I came over I saw that she had covered her big goldenrod brocade sofa with a kind of clear plastic. I asked my parents about it and they told me to mind my own business. Well, you know how kids are. So one afternoon I was sitting on my Grandma's sofa--this was back in the 1970s--and I decided I would ask her anyway. I said, "Grandma, how come you keep this clear vinyl on your sofa?"
She gave me kind of a funny look, sort of as if she couldn't quite decide whether or not to tell me. I started to feel kind of bad for disobeying my parents. Then suddenly Grandma smiled real big and said, "I do that because I like to have company, child. Most of my friends are old ladies like me. They come over and we get to laughing about one thing and another. After a while, we old ladies can't stop laughing once we get started. Well, when you get to be our age, you like to laugh. What happens though sometimes is that some of those old gals laugh so hard they. . . well, they wet themselves. Now I like my friends, but I don't need urine on my brocade sofa, now do I?"
I never did tell my parents what Grandma shared with me that afternoon. But I did notice that every time Grandma's friends left her house, Grandma would go into the kitchen to get a wet wash rag.
Friday, March 22, 2013
THE POSSUM
George Jones may just be the finest vocalist in the recorded history of country music. Initially, he was a hardcore honky-tonker in the tradition of Hank Williams, but over the course of his career he developed an affecting, nuanced ballad style. In the course of his career, he never left the top of the country charts, even as he suffered innumerable personal and professional difficulties. Only Eddy Arnold had more Top Ten hits, and Jones always stayed closer to the roots of hardcore country. Jones was born and raised in East Texas, near the city of Beaumont. At an early age, he displayed an affection for music. He enjoyed the gospel he heard in church and on the family's Carter Family records, but he truly became fascinated with country music when his family bought a radio when he was seven. When he was nine, his father bought him his first guitar. Soon, his father had Jones playing and singing on the streets on Beaumont, earning spare change. At 16, he ran away to Jasper, TX, where he sang at a local radio station. Jones married Dorothy, his first wife, in 1950 when he was 19 years old. The marriage collapsed within a year and he enlisted in the Marines at the end of 1951. Though the U.S. was at war with Korea, Jones never served overseas -- he was stationed at a military camp in California, where he kept singing in bars. After he was discharged, Jones immediately began performing again.
In 1953, Jones was discovered by record producer Pappy Daily, who was also the co-owner of Starday Records, a local Texas label. Impressed with Jones' potential, Daily signed the singer to Starday. "No Money in This Deal," Jones' first single, was released in early 1954, but it received no attention. Starday released three more singles that year, which all were ignored. Jones released "Why, Baby, Why" late in the summer of 1955 and the single became his first hit, peaking at number four. However, its momentum was halted by a cover version by Webb Pierce and Red Sovine that hit number one on the country charts.
Jones was on the road to success and Daily secured the singer a spot on the Louisiana Hayride, where he co-billed with Elvis Presley. Jones reached the Top Ten with regularity in 1956 with such singles as "What Am I Worth" and "Just One More." That same year, Jones recorded some rockabilly singles under the name Thumper Jones which were unsuccessful, both commercially and artistically. In August, he joined the cast of the Grand Ole Opry and his first album appeared by the end of the year. In 1957, Starday Records signed a distribution deal with Mercury Records and Jones' records began appearing under the Mercury label. Daily began recording Jones in Nashville, and his first single for the new label, "Don't Stop the Music," was another Top Ten hit. Throughout 1958, he was landing near the top of the charts, culminating with "White Lightning," which spent five weeks at number one in the spring of 1959. His next big hit arrived two years later, when the ballad "Tender Years" spent seven weeks at number one. "Tender Years" displayed a smoother production and larger arrangement than his previous hits, and it pointed the way toward Jones' later success as a balladeer.
In early 1962, Jones reached number five with "Achin', Breakin' Heart," which would turn out to be his last hit for Mercury Records. Daily became a staff producer for United Artists Records in 1962 and Jones followed him to the label. His first single for UA, "She Thinks I Still Care," was his third number one hit. In 1963, Jones began performing and recording with Melba Montgomery. During the early '60s, mainstream country music was getting increasingly slick, but Jones and Montgomery's harmonies were raw and laden with bluegrass influences. Their first duet, "We Must Have Been out of Our Minds" (spring 1963), was their biggest hit, peaking at number three. The pair continued to record together throughout 1963 and 1964, although they never again had a Top Ten hit; they also reunited in 1966 and 1967, recording a couple of albums and singles for Musicor. Jones had a number of solo hits in 1963 and 1964 as well, peaking with the number three "The Race Is On" in the fall of 1964. Under the direction of Daily, Jones moved to the new record label Musicor in 1965. His first single for Musicor, "Things Have Gone to Pieces," was a Top Ten hit in the spring of 1965. Between 1965 and 1970, he had 17 Top Ten hits for Musicor. While at Musicor, Jones recorded almost 300 songs in five years. During that time, he cut a number of first-rate songs, including country classics like "Love Bug," "Walk Through This World With Me," and "A Good Year for the Roses." He also recorded a fair share of mediocre material, and given the sheer amount of songs he sang, that isn't surprising. Although Jones made a couple of records that were genuine tributes or experiments, he also tried to fit into contemporary country styles, such as the Bakersfield sound. Not all of the attempts resulted in hits, but he consistently charted the Top Ten with his singles, if not with his albums. Musicor wound up flooding the market with George Jones records for the rest of the '60s. Jones' albums for Musicor tended to be arranged thematically, and only two, his 1965 duet George Jones & Gene Pitney and 1969's I'll Share My World With You, charted. That meant that while Jones was one of the most popular and acclaimed singers in country music, there was still a surplus of material.
Like his discography, Jones' personal life was spinning out of control. He was drinking heavily and began missing concerts. His second wife, Shirley, filed for divorce in 1968, and Jones moved to Nashville, where he met Tammy Wynette, the most popular new female singer in country music. Soon, Jones and Wynette fell in love; they married on February 16, 1969. At the same time Jones married Wynette, tensions that had been building between Jones and longtime producer Daily culminated. Jones was unhappy with the sound of his Musicor records, and he placed most of the blame on Daily. After his marriage, Jones wanted to record with Wynette, but Musicor wouldn't allow him to appear on her label, Epic, and Epic wouldn't let her sing on a Musicor album. Furthermore, Epic wanted to lure Jones away from Musicor. Jones was more than willing to leave, but he had to fulfill his contract before the company would let him go.
While he continued recording material for Musicor, Epic entered contract negotiations with their rivals, and halfway through 1971, Jones severed ties with Musicor and Daily. He signed away all the rights to his Musicor recordings in the process. The label continued to release Jones albums for a couple of years, and they also licensed recordings to RCA, who released two singles and a series of budget-priced albums in the early '70s. Jones signed with Epic Records in October of 1971. It was the culmination of a busy year for Jones, one that saw him and Wynette becoming the biggest stars in country music, racking up a number of Top Ten hits as solo artists and selling out concerts across the country as a duo. Jones had successfully remade his image from a short-haired, crazed honky-tonker to more relaxed, sensitive balladeer. At the end of the year, he cut his first records for Epic.
Jones' new record producer was Billy Sherrill, who had been responsible for Wynette's hit albums. Sherrill was known for his lush, string-laden productions and his precise, aggressive approach in the studio. Under his direction, musicians were there to obey his orders and that included the singers as well. Jones had been accustomed to the relaxed style of Daily, who was the polar opposite of Sherrill. As a result, the singer and producer were tense at first, but soon the pair developed a fruitful working relationship. With Sherrill, Jones became a full-fledged balladeer, sanding away the rough edges of his hardcore honky tonk roots.
"We Can Make It," his first solo single for Epic, was a celebration of Jones' marriage to Wynette, written by Sherrill and Glenn Sutton. The song was a number two hit early in 1972, kicking off a successful career at Epic. "The Ceremony," Jones and Wynette's second duet, followed "We Can Make It," and also became a Top Ten hit. "Loving You Could Never Be Better," followed its predecessors into the Top Ten at the end of 1972. By now, the couple's marriage was becoming a public soap opera, with their audience following each single as if they were news reports. Even though they were proclaiming their love through their music, the couple had begun to fight frequently. Jones was sinking deep into alcoholism and drug abuse, which escalated as the couple continued to tour together.
Though every single he released in 1973 went into the Top Ten, Jones' personal life was getting increasingly difficult. Wynette filed for divorce in August 1973. Shortly after she filed the papers, the couple decided to reconcile and her petition was withdrawn. Following her withdrawal, the duo had a number one single with the appropriately titled "We're Gonna Hold On." In the summer of 1974, Jones had his first number one hit since "Walk Through This World With Me" with "The Grand Tour," a song that drew a deft portrait of a broken marriage. He followed it with another number one hit, "The Door." Not long after its release, he recorded "These Days (I Barely Get By)," which featured lyrics co-written by Wynette. Two days after he recorded the song, Wynette left Jones; they divorced within a year.
The late '70s were plagued with trouble for Jones. Between 1975 and the beginning of 1980, he had only two Top Ten solo hits -- "These Days (I Barely Get By)" (1975) and "Her Name Is" (1976). Though they divorced, Jones and Wynette continued to record and tour together, and that is where he racked up the hits, beginning with the back-to-back 1976 number ones, "Golden Ring" and "Near You." The decrease in hits accurately reflects the downward spiral in Jones' health in the late '70s, when he became addicted not only to alcohol, but to cocaine as well. Jones became notorious for his drunken, intoxicated rampages, often involving both drugs and shotguns. Jones would disappear for days at a time. He began missing a substantial amount of concerts -- in 1979 alone, he missed 54 shows -- which earned him the nickname "No-Show Jones."
Jones' career began to pick up in 1978, when he began flirting with rock & roll, covering Chuck Berry's "Maybellene" with Johnny Paycheck and recording a duet with James Taylor called "Bartender's Blues." The success of the singles -- both went Top Ten -- led to an album of duets, My Very Special Guests, in 1979. Though it was poised to be a return to the top of the charts for Jones, he neglected to appear at the scheduled recording sessions and had to overdub his vocals after his partners recorded theirs. That same year, doctors told the singer he had to quit drinking, otherwise his life was in jeopardy. Jones checked into a rehab clinic, but left after a month, uncured. Due to his cocaine addiction, his weight had fallen from 150 pounds to a mere 100.
Despite his declining health, Jones managed a comeback in 1980. It began with a Top Ten duet with Tammy Wynette, "Two Story House," early in the year, but the song that pushed him back to the top of the charts was the dramatic ballad "He Stopped Loving Her Today." The single hit number one in the spring of the year, beginning a new series of Top Ten hits and number one singles that ran through 1986. The string of hits was so successful it rivaled the peak of his popularity in the '60s. "He Stopped Loving Her Today" was followed by the Top Ten "I'm Not Ready Yet" and an album, I Am What I Am, in the fall of the 1980. I Am What I Am became his most successful album, going platinum.
Throughout 1981 and 1983, he had eight Top Ten hits. Although he was having hits again, he hadn't kicked his addictions. Jones was still going on crazed, intoxicated rampages, which culminated with a televised police chase of Jones, who was driving drunk, through the streets of Nashville. Following his arrest, Jones managed to shake his drug and alcohol addictions with the support of his fourth wife, Nancy Sepulvada. Jones and Sepulvada married in March of 1983. Soon after their marriage, he began to detoxicate and by the end of 1983, he had completed his rehabilitation.
Jones continued to have Top Ten hits regularly until 1987, when country radio became dominated by newer artists; ironically, the artists that kept him off the charts -- singers like Randy Travis, Keith Whitley, and Dwight Yoakam -- were heavily influenced by Jones himself. Jones and Sepulvada moved back to Nashville in 1987. In 1988, he recorded his final album with Billy Sherrill, One Woman Man. The title song, which was a hit for Johnny Horton in 1956, was Jones' final solo Top Ten hit. One Woman Man was his last record for Epic Records. After its release, he moved to MCA, releasing his first record for the label, And Along Came Jones, in the fall of 1991. In between its release and One Woman Man arrived a duet with Randy Travis, "A Few Ole Country Boys," that was a Top Ten hit in the fall of 1990. Jones' records for MCA didn't sell nearly as well as his Epic albums, but his albums usually were critically acclaimed. In 1995, he reunited with Wynette to record One. In April of 1996, Jones published his autobiography, I Lived to Tell It All. In 1998, he returned with another studio album, It Don't Get Any Better Than This.
In 1953, Jones was discovered by record producer Pappy Daily, who was also the co-owner of Starday Records, a local Texas label. Impressed with Jones' potential, Daily signed the singer to Starday. "No Money in This Deal," Jones' first single, was released in early 1954, but it received no attention. Starday released three more singles that year, which all were ignored. Jones released "Why, Baby, Why" late in the summer of 1955 and the single became his first hit, peaking at number four. However, its momentum was halted by a cover version by Webb Pierce and Red Sovine that hit number one on the country charts.
Jones was on the road to success and Daily secured the singer a spot on the Louisiana Hayride, where he co-billed with Elvis Presley. Jones reached the Top Ten with regularity in 1956 with such singles as "What Am I Worth" and "Just One More." That same year, Jones recorded some rockabilly singles under the name Thumper Jones which were unsuccessful, both commercially and artistically. In August, he joined the cast of the Grand Ole Opry and his first album appeared by the end of the year. In 1957, Starday Records signed a distribution deal with Mercury Records and Jones' records began appearing under the Mercury label. Daily began recording Jones in Nashville, and his first single for the new label, "Don't Stop the Music," was another Top Ten hit. Throughout 1958, he was landing near the top of the charts, culminating with "White Lightning," which spent five weeks at number one in the spring of 1959. His next big hit arrived two years later, when the ballad "Tender Years" spent seven weeks at number one. "Tender Years" displayed a smoother production and larger arrangement than his previous hits, and it pointed the way toward Jones' later success as a balladeer.
In early 1962, Jones reached number five with "Achin', Breakin' Heart," which would turn out to be his last hit for Mercury Records. Daily became a staff producer for United Artists Records in 1962 and Jones followed him to the label. His first single for UA, "She Thinks I Still Care," was his third number one hit. In 1963, Jones began performing and recording with Melba Montgomery. During the early '60s, mainstream country music was getting increasingly slick, but Jones and Montgomery's harmonies were raw and laden with bluegrass influences. Their first duet, "We Must Have Been out of Our Minds" (spring 1963), was their biggest hit, peaking at number three. The pair continued to record together throughout 1963 and 1964, although they never again had a Top Ten hit; they also reunited in 1966 and 1967, recording a couple of albums and singles for Musicor. Jones had a number of solo hits in 1963 and 1964 as well, peaking with the number three "The Race Is On" in the fall of 1964. Under the direction of Daily, Jones moved to the new record label Musicor in 1965. His first single for Musicor, "Things Have Gone to Pieces," was a Top Ten hit in the spring of 1965. Between 1965 and 1970, he had 17 Top Ten hits for Musicor. While at Musicor, Jones recorded almost 300 songs in five years. During that time, he cut a number of first-rate songs, including country classics like "Love Bug," "Walk Through This World With Me," and "A Good Year for the Roses." He also recorded a fair share of mediocre material, and given the sheer amount of songs he sang, that isn't surprising. Although Jones made a couple of records that were genuine tributes or experiments, he also tried to fit into contemporary country styles, such as the Bakersfield sound. Not all of the attempts resulted in hits, but he consistently charted the Top Ten with his singles, if not with his albums. Musicor wound up flooding the market with George Jones records for the rest of the '60s. Jones' albums for Musicor tended to be arranged thematically, and only two, his 1965 duet George Jones & Gene Pitney and 1969's I'll Share My World With You, charted. That meant that while Jones was one of the most popular and acclaimed singers in country music, there was still a surplus of material.
Like his discography, Jones' personal life was spinning out of control. He was drinking heavily and began missing concerts. His second wife, Shirley, filed for divorce in 1968, and Jones moved to Nashville, where he met Tammy Wynette, the most popular new female singer in country music. Soon, Jones and Wynette fell in love; they married on February 16, 1969. At the same time Jones married Wynette, tensions that had been building between Jones and longtime producer Daily culminated. Jones was unhappy with the sound of his Musicor records, and he placed most of the blame on Daily. After his marriage, Jones wanted to record with Wynette, but Musicor wouldn't allow him to appear on her label, Epic, and Epic wouldn't let her sing on a Musicor album. Furthermore, Epic wanted to lure Jones away from Musicor. Jones was more than willing to leave, but he had to fulfill his contract before the company would let him go.
While he continued recording material for Musicor, Epic entered contract negotiations with their rivals, and halfway through 1971, Jones severed ties with Musicor and Daily. He signed away all the rights to his Musicor recordings in the process. The label continued to release Jones albums for a couple of years, and they also licensed recordings to RCA, who released two singles and a series of budget-priced albums in the early '70s. Jones signed with Epic Records in October of 1971. It was the culmination of a busy year for Jones, one that saw him and Wynette becoming the biggest stars in country music, racking up a number of Top Ten hits as solo artists and selling out concerts across the country as a duo. Jones had successfully remade his image from a short-haired, crazed honky-tonker to more relaxed, sensitive balladeer. At the end of the year, he cut his first records for Epic.
Jones' new record producer was Billy Sherrill, who had been responsible for Wynette's hit albums. Sherrill was known for his lush, string-laden productions and his precise, aggressive approach in the studio. Under his direction, musicians were there to obey his orders and that included the singers as well. Jones had been accustomed to the relaxed style of Daily, who was the polar opposite of Sherrill. As a result, the singer and producer were tense at first, but soon the pair developed a fruitful working relationship. With Sherrill, Jones became a full-fledged balladeer, sanding away the rough edges of his hardcore honky tonk roots.
"We Can Make It," his first solo single for Epic, was a celebration of Jones' marriage to Wynette, written by Sherrill and Glenn Sutton. The song was a number two hit early in 1972, kicking off a successful career at Epic. "The Ceremony," Jones and Wynette's second duet, followed "We Can Make It," and also became a Top Ten hit. "Loving You Could Never Be Better," followed its predecessors into the Top Ten at the end of 1972. By now, the couple's marriage was becoming a public soap opera, with their audience following each single as if they were news reports. Even though they were proclaiming their love through their music, the couple had begun to fight frequently. Jones was sinking deep into alcoholism and drug abuse, which escalated as the couple continued to tour together.
Though every single he released in 1973 went into the Top Ten, Jones' personal life was getting increasingly difficult. Wynette filed for divorce in August 1973. Shortly after she filed the papers, the couple decided to reconcile and her petition was withdrawn. Following her withdrawal, the duo had a number one single with the appropriately titled "We're Gonna Hold On." In the summer of 1974, Jones had his first number one hit since "Walk Through This World With Me" with "The Grand Tour," a song that drew a deft portrait of a broken marriage. He followed it with another number one hit, "The Door." Not long after its release, he recorded "These Days (I Barely Get By)," which featured lyrics co-written by Wynette. Two days after he recorded the song, Wynette left Jones; they divorced within a year.
The late '70s were plagued with trouble for Jones. Between 1975 and the beginning of 1980, he had only two Top Ten solo hits -- "These Days (I Barely Get By)" (1975) and "Her Name Is" (1976). Though they divorced, Jones and Wynette continued to record and tour together, and that is where he racked up the hits, beginning with the back-to-back 1976 number ones, "Golden Ring" and "Near You." The decrease in hits accurately reflects the downward spiral in Jones' health in the late '70s, when he became addicted not only to alcohol, but to cocaine as well. Jones became notorious for his drunken, intoxicated rampages, often involving both drugs and shotguns. Jones would disappear for days at a time. He began missing a substantial amount of concerts -- in 1979 alone, he missed 54 shows -- which earned him the nickname "No-Show Jones."
Jones' career began to pick up in 1978, when he began flirting with rock & roll, covering Chuck Berry's "Maybellene" with Johnny Paycheck and recording a duet with James Taylor called "Bartender's Blues." The success of the singles -- both went Top Ten -- led to an album of duets, My Very Special Guests, in 1979. Though it was poised to be a return to the top of the charts for Jones, he neglected to appear at the scheduled recording sessions and had to overdub his vocals after his partners recorded theirs. That same year, doctors told the singer he had to quit drinking, otherwise his life was in jeopardy. Jones checked into a rehab clinic, but left after a month, uncured. Due to his cocaine addiction, his weight had fallen from 150 pounds to a mere 100.
Despite his declining health, Jones managed a comeback in 1980. It began with a Top Ten duet with Tammy Wynette, "Two Story House," early in the year, but the song that pushed him back to the top of the charts was the dramatic ballad "He Stopped Loving Her Today." The single hit number one in the spring of the year, beginning a new series of Top Ten hits and number one singles that ran through 1986. The string of hits was so successful it rivaled the peak of his popularity in the '60s. "He Stopped Loving Her Today" was followed by the Top Ten "I'm Not Ready Yet" and an album, I Am What I Am, in the fall of the 1980. I Am What I Am became his most successful album, going platinum.
Throughout 1981 and 1983, he had eight Top Ten hits. Although he was having hits again, he hadn't kicked his addictions. Jones was still going on crazed, intoxicated rampages, which culminated with a televised police chase of Jones, who was driving drunk, through the streets of Nashville. Following his arrest, Jones managed to shake his drug and alcohol addictions with the support of his fourth wife, Nancy Sepulvada. Jones and Sepulvada married in March of 1983. Soon after their marriage, he began to detoxicate and by the end of 1983, he had completed his rehabilitation.
Jones continued to have Top Ten hits regularly until 1987, when country radio became dominated by newer artists; ironically, the artists that kept him off the charts -- singers like Randy Travis, Keith Whitley, and Dwight Yoakam -- were heavily influenced by Jones himself. Jones and Sepulvada moved back to Nashville in 1987. In 1988, he recorded his final album with Billy Sherrill, One Woman Man. The title song, which was a hit for Johnny Horton in 1956, was Jones' final solo Top Ten hit. One Woman Man was his last record for Epic Records. After its release, he moved to MCA, releasing his first record for the label, And Along Came Jones, in the fall of 1991. In between its release and One Woman Man arrived a duet with Randy Travis, "A Few Ole Country Boys," that was a Top Ten hit in the fall of 1990. Jones' records for MCA didn't sell nearly as well as his Epic albums, but his albums usually were critically acclaimed. In 1995, he reunited with Wynette to record One. In April of 1996, Jones published his autobiography, I Lived to Tell It All. In 1998, he returned with another studio album, It Don't Get Any Better Than This.
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